There are times that walk from you like some passing afternoon Summer warmed the open window of her honeymoon And she chose a yard to burn but the ground remembers her Wooden spoons, her children stir her Bougainvillea blooms
There are things that drift away like our endless, numbered days Autumn blew the quilt right off the perfect bed she made And she's chosen to believe in the hymns her mother sings Sunday pulls its children from their piles of fallen leaves
There are sailing ships that pass all our bodies in the grass Springtime calls her children 'till she let's them go at last And she's chosen where to be, though she's lost her wedding ring Somewhere near her misplaced jar of Bougainvillea seeds
There are things we can't recall, blind as night that finds us all Winter tucks her children in, her fragile china dolls But my hands remember hers, rolling 'round the shaded ferns Naked arms, her secrets still like songs I'd never learned
There are names across the sea, only now I do believe Sometimes, with the windows closed, she'll sit and think of me But she'll mend his tattered clothes and they'll kiss as if they know A baby sleeps in all our bones, so scared to be alone
I have such a bad fibro-flare right now. It hurts so bad, I wish God would take me home to him now. I've never hurt this bad in my entire life, I wish it would stop. I can't even say this to anybody, because they'd worry. My apartment-mates that I just moved in with just think I'm tired right now. I told Andrick I had a flare-up, but he was a little zonked at the time, and I'm not sure he really realized what that means. I was crying last night, and I never cry from physical pain. The worst part is, I don't even know what caused this flare-up. I don't understand why any of this is happening, I don't understand why it hurts so bad. I'm sure God has a good reason, I have to believe that, but I have no idea what it could be. I just want it to stop. It's so bad I can't sleep. I haven't slept for almost 28 hours now. Even though I'm sure it would hurt a ton right now, because existing hurts, I wish somebody I know would walk up to me and give me a really close hug. No questions or anything...just a close, caring, understanding hug. A hug that says, "you're wanted." Whenever I feel not-well, I feel like nobody wants me around. And I can't just ask for confirmation, or hint that I want/need it. I've been raised to believe that it's inappropriate for me to do so, and even if I wasn't, it doesn't mean the same thing if you ask for it, rather than it being freely offered. Even though I despereately want that, though, I don't want to worry my apartment-mates. Oh, I just wish this would stop. I don't understand. And I sound so overly dramatic even though everything I'm writing is straight up.
I've been realizing that I really don't want to ever be in a relationship again. Before I was scared that I'd never be emotionally ready again...now I realize I just don't want it. I am scared of being in one again, too. I'm not saying that I'm not. I'm just sick of the relationship stuff, is all. I'm sick of the drama, I'm sick of the pain, I'm sick of the misleading and the misconceptions. I'm sick of the pity and the eventual break-ups. It all just...I hate it. I don't want to deal with any of it. I realize that this is more typically a guy attitude than a girl one, but who the hell cares? I don't. I just don't want to deal with the crap anymore. I knew Ben was staying with me for those last 5 or so months was partially because he felt sorry for me, and after January, it was almost entirely for that reason. I knew it without him telling me, even though he did admit it to me shortly before we split up, and I'm not going to pretend I didn't so I can be angry over it. In fact, I'm not angry about it. That doesn't mean that I'm not sick of it, because he isn't the first one to do that. That's the problem with 'nice guys,' I guess. They stay with you because they feel bad that your life sucks, instead of breaking up with you when they should. Which means that you become more attached to them than you already were, because they were there when you needed them to be. I managed to avoid him when I came back to school, because he left on his hiking trip the day before I got back. But he's going to be back from that in a few weeks, and it'll be a little harder to avoid him then.
Speaking of avoiding...I've been avoiding this one guy was playing WoW with. I haven't talked with him since I got back to FL. I feel bad, because I know he's been worrying about me with all the fires nearby, and also because he told me he liked me and I guess I implied he had a chance. What's up with this, anyway? It used to be I couldn't have gotten a date to save my soul, even had I wanted one. Between this guy and my one friend who told me straight up that he'd be totally willing to date me if I decided that was what I wanted (where was this attitude a year and a half ago when I told him the same thing?) I'm beginning to wonder what's going on. Used to be I could hardly have gotten a date if I wanted, and frankly, that didn't bother me that much. Now it feels like they're coming out of the woodwork and forming a secret lynch mob or something. Ok, maybe not that bad. But it's annoying as hell. You'd think that going from 5lbs underweight to 15lbs underweight would cause a decrease in offers, not an increase. Fucking screwed up American male visual-idealistic bullshit.
Some people have unconditional love. I have unconditional making out. All I can say is that the pain-relieving endorphins are the only way I justify this to myself. Well, that and if I am ever ready to have a relationship again, this might make things complicated. Why am I doing this? This is one of those "this can never end well" situations, I've always thought so. The endorphins must be going to my head.
My friend MJ and her fiancee have convinced me to try making afghans to sell on eBay. Since I don't feel like having my own account and trying to build rep on it, I'm going to sell them from her account. It was a random idea I've had for awhile, so I'm pretty excited. I wish I had some yarn to start making afghans right now!
I actually practiced violin today. The Mendelssohn is coming along. I got the section with the double-stops right the first time through, and made it through the first three or so pages. Oh, and I also made it all the way through Bach's 3rd Partita. The last page was rough, though. I've been thinking about what to play for my senior recital. This is what I've got so far: Bach's 3rd Partita Mendelssohn (it'll be a lot of work, but definitely worth it) Rachmaninoff's Vocalise (it's a bit easy, but it's short, and I'm not a performance major. Plus, I think it really shows off my tone) Mozart's 4th Concerto (I haven't even looked at it, don't even have the music, but it would be good to know for any auditions I would have in the future.) I really want to have my Senior recital next spring, but it may have to be the fall after that. If it was in the spring, though, my parents would be able to go to it and to my graduation. They're dead set on going to my graduation, even though I'd rather have them at my recital. I really don't see why they think the graduation ceremony is worth going to more than my recital. After all...what better celebrates and displays my accomplishments at college, walking across a stage with a bunch of other people, or having the stage all to myself as I perform for an hour? Oh well. My parents' thought processes aren't meant to be understood.
Yay, classes tomorrow. I need to do my reading for history. Here's for hoping I get up early enough to practice ballet before warming up for piano class.
My username comes from the Wallflower song where I misheard some of the lyrics. The song is The Beautiful Side of Somewhere. "The Beautiful Side Of Somewhere"
Tomorrow is gonna make you cry It's gonna to make you kneel Before it breaks you from inside Still pressing on Arm over arm Still trying to get both feet back onto the ground They are harvesting these fields in autumn. We're different now than when we started
I am ready to wake up There in the exodus On the beautiful side of somewhere baby
There on the pavement Underneath the yellow moon I think of you And just how easily we bruise The folded address in my pocket i have stuffed Trying to believe for you That the bottom didn't drop I am on the platform Covered with dust I pray they take the both of us
I am ready to wake up There in the exodus On the beautiful side of somewhere baby I am ready to come down To see us both somehow On the beautiful side of somewhere someday
This song is how I feel inside a lot (both with the misheard lyrics and without), ever since my fibromyalgia was triggered, even before I knew that I had it. I'm not showing it anymore, though. My mom thinks I'm a lot happier now. I'm not exactly happier. It's more that I've come to accept that things aren't going to change the way I want them to. Even though I know that Guilt and Honour are not what was in the lyrics, I still like them. I feel guilty for some of what I have done in the past year, when I was sick, but I don't think I have lost my sense of honour yet. Perhaps I still feel guilty because my sense of honour is still intact. In any case, I have a 'real' LJ, but nobody I know is aware of this one, and I'm going to keep it that way. There are many things that have happened to me, and that I have done, that they would not understand, and some of them would think the worse of me for having done these things. I know them well enough to know that at the very least, for 99% of my friends, it would change their perception of me, and not in a good way. And so I start this journal, because I am still the same person, even if I have lost who that person is somewhere. I have a friend or two who would be damaged by finding out some of how I have acted, even though it had nothing to do with them, and doesn't even effect them. But it would hurt them because they would believe that I was not who they thought I was. I refuse to do any damage that I can avoid. I will not lie to them about it, but in my opinion, they need never find out. It's none of their business, anyhow.